The Yang Slinger: Vol. LXXIV

The exclamation mark makes me wanna scream in agony! Shout in anger! I hate it! I hate it! I hate it! But is it OK—in certain spots—to use? Fuck if I know!!!!!!!!!

A couple of weeks ago, as my father was in the final stages of his battle with pancreatic cancer, he had me help edit and submit his last essay for the place where he contributed a monthly piece—the Heritage Hills newsletter.

It was a story concerning he and my mother being stopped by TSA agents at LaGuardia Airport, and a bag rudely pulled aside, opened and inspected—all because of a wrapped chocolate bar Mom had purchased as a birthday gift.

Dad was done with the article, and he wanted me to read it aloud to him, and make the changes he desired [You can watch much of it here—I posted the moment on Instagram]. So I sat there, and read, and smiled, and read, and smiled, and read, and smiled.

Until one point—when Dad used an exclamation mark.

Actually (gasp!) two exclamation marks.

My father was dying. He literally had but a week or so left to live. And as we both lingered in his small home office, Dad probably 90 pounds and clinging to life, a part of me felt like sobbing and screaming and punching a wall with the agony of losing a beloved role model.

And the other part wanted to tell him to delete the exclamation marks.

Fucking both of them.

I hate exclamation marks.

And I don’t mean I hate them in the way I hate Donald Trump or hate Will Clark or hate anything (literally anything) involving cottage cheese.

Nope—I mean I hate them even more than I hate Donald Trump or hate Will Clark or hate anything (literally anything) involving cottage cheese. When I see a young journalist use an exclamation mark in a story, it takes everything I have to hold back my built-in old-man lecture. I want to say, “Listen, kid—exclamation marks add nothing. What do you—the writer—have to exclaim? You can express yourself without resorting to some cheap punctuation. Let the power of words and phrasing be your guides. Do better, man. Do fucking better! Stop looking like a rank amateur!”

And, judging from the responses of the scribes I reached out to this week, I’m far from alone in my haughty position. To the majority of veteran journalists, an exclamation mark is akin to, oh, a distributor wrench. Most handy people have one. Most handy people know why it exists. But when’s the last time someone actually used their distributor wrench? When’s the last time your local contractor turned to an assistant and said, “Stu, hand me the distributor wrench. I need it”?

Hell, unless you (apparently) own an F-100 truck made between 1973-1979, there is no longer a need for the distributor wrench.

Why? Because distributor wrenches are obsolete.

And the exclamation mark should be, too.

Melissa Isaacson, Northwestern professor/former Chicago Tribune columnist: “My feeling is that they’re overused and used incorrectly in real life (“Sorry you suffered such a tragedy!”) And it’s editorializing in journalism. The reader should be able to tell if a quote conveys an excited tone and if it’s not a quote, it definitely doesn’t belong.”

Andrew Maraniss, author: “I know many people, especially writers, hate exclamation points and would never ever use them even in the most casual circumstances. Not only that, they look down on people who do!  I don't think it's that big of a deal.”

Maurice Patton, Main Street Maury writer: “I don’t think I’ve ever even considered it.”

Bill Eichenberger, Las Vegas Review-Journal assistant managing editor: “Overused. The more times it’s used, the less effective it is. Should be used sparingly at best.”

Jennifer Wulff, former People Magazine writer: “They cheapen things.”

Chris Herring, ESPN: “In my own writing, it would feel forced.”

Mirin Fader, The Ringer: “It can sometimes feel like overwriting or trying to be too much.”

According to a 2017 NPR article headlined, AFTER YEARS OF RESTRAINT, A LINGUIST SAYS ‘YES!’ TO THE EXCLAMATION POINT, “the exclamation point gets no love at all. Apple computer forbids its distributors to use it in their ads. The British school curriculum penalizes students for using it. There's a blog called Excessive Exclamation!! dedicated to documenting its misuse.”

In conclusion, exclamation marks suck.

Period!

But here’s the thing: Do they?

Do they really?

Throughout my career, I’ve been very adamant in the there-are-no-rules-that-need-to-be-followed writing camp. As a young scribe at The Tennessean, I recoiled at the Gannett insistence that a nut graph be inserted into every story. I also went out of my way to begin sentences with But and And—just because I was told to never begin sentences with But and And. I’m a fan of fragments. Like this. And this. Also, huge props to the long dash, the colon, the semi-colon. Name a frowned-upon writing device, I’ve likely supported it.

But the exclamation mark—again!—is like cottage cheese.

Sometimes, however, your biases are less reality-based, more something that has been wrongly reinforced into your ecosystem. Like, why is the exclamation mark so bad? Why is it problematic? Maybe I’ve just been surrounded by a bunch of anti-question mark cultists. When I asked Mike Vaccaro, the New York Post’s exceptional sports columnist, how he felt about the device, well, he didn’t merely support the exclamation mark. No, he raved about it.

“I love the exclamation point, but I also consider it one if the greatest challenges in writing,” he said. “Use it too often and it comes across like the most embarrassing kind of high-school yearbook greeting (you were such a pissa!!). Use it improperly and it sounds like an overheated text message (LOL!!!!). But if you use it judiciously, and maybe 70 percent of the times you think you should … it has exactly the impact you want from it. It’s the way you yell at a reader, grab their lapel.”

He added: “An exclamation point—again, used with care—is a substitute for 60 extraneous words you’d otherwise use.”

I asked Mike for an example of a recent piece he’d written that relies on exclamation marks, and he didn’t have to search particularly long. On Dec. 16, Vaccaro penned a column headlined, TOMMY DEVITO IS AMONG NEW YORK CITY ICONS ON FANS’ NICE LIST.

And the thing doesn’t merely use an exclamation mark. It uses 10 of them.

Ten!

Motherfucking ten!

!!!!!!!!!!

In Mike’s hands the device works. Because—like all devices—a writer has to be judicious. Candace Buckner, the fabulous Washington Post columnist, isn’t as gung-ho about the exclamation mark as Vaccaro, but she sees a place for it. “It is,” she said, “a rare seasoning saved for perspective writing.”

So let’s actually delve into this a bit.

Let’s say the exclamation mark is kosher for usage in articles and columns. Let’s say everyone’s OK with it. If that’s the case, what are the best ways to implement?

• First, obviously, is sarcasm. You’re writing about a shitty golfer. Your Uncle Lou, who has never played golf before. You’re teaching Unc how to swing a club, and his first shot dribbles off the tee and rolls two feet. “Holy crap! That went a mile!” is an acceptable usage of the exclamation mark. I’m not saying it’s great. I’m not even saying it’s better than, “Holy crap. That went … a mile.” (Luca Evans, OC Register writer: “Personally, my substitute for the exclamation point is italicizing a word to drive my voice home.”). But the argument can be made that exclaiming wonder or marvel over something unworthy of wonder or marvel is sorta kinda giggle-worthy. At times. I suppose.

• Second, I guess, is within quotations. “I’m so excited to be here!” said Jones as he kissed his fiancé below the Times Square Ball. “I just wanna go home and fuck her brains out!”

Or …

“Nobody believed in me!” said Flacco. “Nobody except my dad and Wesley Walker!”

And … eh … um … man … I dunno. This whole post is causing me pain, because I really, truly, truly, really hate the exclamation mark. And in these cases, with these quotations, I still don’t believe the device adds something. Jon Wertheim, the Sports Illustrated guru, said of the exclamation mark, “Yet something else Trump has contaminated.” But then added— “Pet peeve: use of exclamation marks in their quotes. If someone really says something empathically, say it; don’t use punctuation. (‘I’m really mad!’ said Harbaugh).” I agree 100 percent with Wertheim—if Jim Harbaugh says he’s really mad, quote him and add the gritting of teeth, the furrowing of brow. Tell me how he says it—angrily, furiously, with spittle glistening between his lips. Show me, don’t tell me.

“The reader,” said Isaacson, “should be able to tell if a quote conveys an excited tone.”

• Third … if you’re making fun of yourself. I’m so handsome! I’m so cool! Women love me! I guess that’s fine.

Sorta.

Not really.

I dunno.

Look, I can go on and on coming up with half-baked journalistic moments when exclamation marks work. But as F. Scott Fitzgerald famously said, “Using an exclamation mark is akin to laughing at your own joke.” And nobody likes people who laugh at their own jokes.

So if you’re Mike Vaccaro, and you have that level of skill and confidence, and you believe in the exclamation mark—go for it! But if you’re me, and the exclamation mark causes you sleepless nights and anxious days, maybe just reserve the damn thing for Twitter battles and text exchanges with your parents.

If nothing else, it’s better than the eggplant emoji.

The Quaz Five with … Mistress Amethyst

Mistress Amethyst is an erotic hypnotist with an extensive—and fascinating—background in hypnotherapy. She’s also a really cool source for political and societal insights who back in the day gave me some wonderful tips on anxiety (One thing about Twitter—you meet genuinely interesting peeps). You can follow her different links here.

1. What does it mean to practice hypnotic findom?: First of all, findom is the practice of controlling a submissive through financial domination. Both parties will usually set up boundaries and/or hard limits in the beginning of their fetish relationship. Contrary to popular misconceptions, findom is a form consensual play. Hypnotic findom typically involves using h y p n 0 s i s to increase the submissive's desire to be controlled financially. Since the hypnotic subject will never do anything that is against their will, the hypnotic session helps to bring out those desires, which are already present within the submissive, and either enhance them, or release the fears or blocks preventing the submissive from truly experiencing their findom fetish.

2. I'm curious—what does it feel like to have a man under your control? Like, you've mentioned in Tweets having men kneel at the sound of your voice, enter bathrooms in public places and chant your name, etc. What is that sense of power like?: Do the words even exist to describe the bliss that true erotic power elicits? Probably not, but I can describe it as a "high". For me, it's a feeling of exhilaration and dominance all rolled up together... but that still pales in comparison to what it really feels like in the moment. I love having that sort of influence over my submissives, who are mostly men and trans women. Sometimes I have to ask myself, "Is this really my life?". And yes, indeed it is. I love it.

3. How does modern social media help/hurt the business?: It's hard to say for sure, because it seems to ebb and flow, depending on how social media is behaving. For instance, a few years ago, there was a celebrity who infiltrated a fan site, along with social media, thinking that sex workers needed to be saved by her; to be given recognition and helped by her. It backfired enormously and ended up hurting countless erotic content creators. So in that moment, social media drastically hurt this line of work. But on the other hand, without social media, on its good days, it would be hard for erotic creators to advertise themselves. I think it will always have it's good times and bad times, and the best we can do is ride the wave when it's good.

4. How did you enter the business? Like, what was your path?: Thankfully, it was recommended to me. I was formally educated and trained in clinical hypnotherapy. When I moved out of state, I took a job in insurance, and worked my way up the ladder, but absolutely hated the company I worked for. I literally have horror stories and I suspect, a little PTSD from the abusive nature from the company officers. They actually killed my desire to ever work for someone else. Someone close to me revealed that there was an online community for femdom and erotic hypnosis, and recommended that I begin recording sessions and offering them for sale in this community. I had a bit of experience with femdom hypnosis in my personal life, but had no idea that there was a large community online. I begin offering my femdom recordings in November of 2012, and thankfully, I had instant sales, and soon after, a loyal following. Within 11 months, I matched my insurance salary, which allowed me to quit my job and focus on Femdom h y p n 0 s i s full time. Every single day of my life, I express gratitude for online fetish stores and fan sites. It has changed my life completely.

5. What's the craziest story from your time in dominance?: Perhaps the craziest story is that I don't really have crazy experiences. Haha! I have so many lovely fans, but I'll tell you about 2 experiences. One is positive, and the other... not so much. Let's start with the story that's not thrilling. The craziest request I've had is to record a session, where I am a horse and the listener wanted to be penetrated, if you know what I mean. He also wanted me to make all the noises that a horse would make. I turned down that request immediately, and never heard from him again. The thrilling example is that one of my financial domination slaves fully paid for my new Mercedes, paid off all of my debt, paid for land for a future home, and contributed to my retirement, which is enough to pay off my mortgage, if I were to cash it today. My gratitude cup runneth over.

Bonus [rank in order--favorite to least]: Danica McKellar, Marvel movies, eggplant parm, "The Book of Mormon," high leather boots, Mike Bibby, Elmo, "Love Actually," handcuffs, Mitch McConnell: "The Book of Mormon," eggplant parm,
handcuffs, "Love Actually," high leather boots, Marvel movies, Danica McKellar
Elmo, Mike Bibby (no idea who he is—sorry Mike Bibby), Mitch McConnell

Ask Jeff Pearlman a fucking question(s)

From Ed: I know your father just passed. I’m so sorry. I, too, just lost my dad, and I’m trying to write a eulogy. Any advice?: First, thank you. This week has been rough. And second—eulogies are tricky. I’ve heard some wonderful ones, I’ve heard some terrible ones. The terrible ones are cliched and flat and obvious. “He loved his family, he liked fishing and golf.” Yawn. For me, great eulogies are a collection of stories—preferably a mixture of funny ones, touching ones, even one or two embarrassing ones.

We’re having a life celebration service for my dad in the spring, and when I talk I’ll 100-percent mention that he was a particularly nervous man, so much so that when we used to vacation, he’d leave out a placemat, a plate, a half-filled glass of water and a crumpled napkin on the kitchen table—just so, when the thief breaks in, he thinks someone is home and turns tail.

True story.

A random old article worth revisiting …

On Oct. 12, 1997, the singer John Denver died in a plane crash. Twenty six years later, I found myself at a thrift store when I stumbled upon one of his records (“Rocky Mountain High”). I bought it for $3, and now I’m fascinated. This piece ran in the Oct. 13, 1997 Noblesville Ledger …

The Madness of Tyler Kepner’s Grid …

So unless you’ve been living beneath a pebble beneath a rock beneath a big hunk of cheese, you’re aware of Immaculate Grid, the daily game that’s drawn thousands of nerdy sports fans (guilty!) to its ranks. And while the NBA grid, NFL grid, NHL grid and WNBA grid are all fun, this game is at its best when it comes to baseball—where the names are endless and the transactions ceaseless.

Over the past few weeks I’ve often discussed the grid with Tyler Kepner, the Athletic baseball writer. And now, for kicks, every week I’m gonna feature one of Tyler’s bonkers grid results. He’s the ultimate baseball geek (I say this with great affection), and his outputs blow my mind.

So …

Tyler observations:

• Jeff Reardon had a great career but struggled in the ‘92 World Series for Atlanta and pitched (briefly and beardless) for the Reds.

• Mike Heath was injured for the Braves in the 1991 WS but he was on TV a lot in the dugout.

• Rick Behenna was the other guy in the Len Barker/Brett Butler/Brook Jacoby trade.

• Freddie Tolliver and Sid Monge were Phillies in the 80s, my wheelhouse.

• Juan Tyrone Eichelberger has one of the greatest names in baseball history.

• I covered Bobby Ayala and Mark Leiter with the Mariners in 1999.

• And Rod Craig was a name that came up this week in my SIM League, where the theme was connecting players via teammates. I was connecting a couple of Indians/Mariners guys from that era and he was the link.

This week’s college writer you should follow on the Internet …

Marina Benitez, Rutgers University

A columnist for the Daily Targum, Benitez nailed it with this recent piece, PAWNS OF PATRIARCHY, MEDIA MANIPULATION OF FEMALE CELEBRITIES.

Wrote Benitez …

“Firstly, we need to stop pinning women against each other. And secondly, we must realize that women have more power when they stand together.

“By mentoring, supporting and showcasing the strength of women, we contribute to a higher representation of women in the workforce and help place them in influential positions.

“It is important for young people today to see that women have lots of different stories, interests and experiences. Women are more than just how they look or any conflicts they might be involved in.

“We should appreciate and celebrate the many talents and aspects that make each young woman unique.”

One can visit Benitez’s website here.

Bravo.

Journalism musings for the week …

Musing 1: Interesting piece from Tom Haberstroh on Ja Morant referring to a referee as “a ho.” Which, while not a particularly big deal in and of itself, adds to an increasingly dispiritingly view of a phenomenal player.

Musing 2: Saira Rao seems like a really interesting person who has devoted her life to righteous causes. Which is why this Tweet really burrowed under my skin …

More than 1,000 people re-Tweeted Saira quoting a friend of a friend who, conveniently, said something that supported her world view. And like, no. No, no, no. You can’t quote a quote of a quote of a quote. You can’t source a friend’s friend. That’s how the bullshit gets going.

Musing 3: Joy Sewing, the first-ever Black woman columnist for the Houston Chronicle, with a really informative piece on Sheila Jackson Lee, the Houston-based congresswoman who isn’t afraid of making her voice heard.

Musing 4: What a stupendous breaking down of the Denver Broncos-Russell Wilson mess from The Ringer’s always-gold Lindsay Jones. I’m not a Wilson fan (or detractor), but … man, how the mighty can fall in professional sports. Writes Jones: “What an inglorious end to Wilson’s tenure as the Broncos starter, one that began with such optimism less than two years ago after he arrived via a blockbuster trade with the Seahawks. Wilson showed up in Denver ready to save the Broncos from their post-Peyton quarterback purgatory and bolster his own Hall of Fame résumé. In his introductory press conference in March 2022, he talked about winning Super Bowls—yes, multiple—and playing for the Broncos for at least a decade. Instead, he’s played 30 games for the team and won 11 of them; he’s collected $124 million in salary and bonuses, thrown 42 touchdown passes, and committed 26 turnovers. The Broncos are no closer to being an AFC contender today than they were when he got here. It feels like they might even be further away.”

Musing 5: So former Brewer Ryan Braun was quoted this week as saying, “There hasn’t been a player to put on a Milwaukee jersey that can say they were better than me.” And—save for Hank Aaron, Ted Simmons, Robin Yount, Rollie Fingers, Trevor Hoffman, Tom Tellmann, Paul Molitor, Don Sutton and, oh, two dozen others—I’d have to agree.

Musing 6: Kristen Griffith of the Baltimore Banner with a fascinating/troubling piece, BLACK TEACHERS ARE LEAVING. HOW CAN MARYLAND SCHOOLS GET THEM TO STAY? Writes Griffith: “It is a trend that has been slowly developing for decades. Schools, especially in the South, are still grappling with a shortage of Black teachers that started generations ago, according to a 2019 paper published by the National Bureau of Economic Research. When schools were segregated, Black teachers taught only Black students. But, when Black and white students integrated, Black teachers were often ‘overtly fired.’ It became such a problem that it caught the attention of President Lyndon B. Johnson. ‘At a minimum, the large-scale elimination of Black held teaching positions during desegregation did not encourage young African Americans to enter the profession,’ the paper said. Interest in the teaching profession overall reached its lowest levels in 2010, and enrollment in Maryland education programs for college students has decreased by a third since 2012. Traditional recruiting efforts, such as job fairs and outreach to historically Black colleges, haven’t moved the needle.

Musing 7: This week’s Two Writers Slinging Yang stars Danté Stewart, author of the memoir, “Shoutin' in the Fire: An American Epistle.”

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