The Yang Slinger: Vol. LXXXVII

A few days ago an anonymous Tweeter DMed me to say I should go fuck myself, and that I'm an "uneducated fucking zero." I decided to do some digging and find out his true identity—and what set him off.

At the risk of giving something away, you are about to peruse the most unprofessional entry in the brief-yet-storied history of this Substack.

It’s also the one that brings me the most bliss.

As most folks who read this newsletter certainly know, we in the media take a lot of shit from a lot of assholes. Now, back when I was a younger writer at The Tennessean and Sports Illustrated, you’d receive the occasional hand-written hate letter. But, pre-Internet, that took work. One needed to find paper, find a pen, think up what one wanted to convey, write out the spewage, fold it, put it in an envelope, address the envelope, stamp the envelope, walk to the mailbox open the mailbox, insert letter in mailbox, close mailbox, put up the little metal flag¹. This is just a guess, but I’d have to figure 99 percent of intended I’m-so-mad-I’m-writing-this-letter correspondences withered away somewhere between I’M GONNA SHOW THIS FUCKER! and SO WHERE’D I PUT MY PEN?

Nowadays, however, it’s easier than ever to tell journalists you hate them—and to do so sans repercussion. All you have to do is create an anonymous Twitter account, or an an anonymous Instagram account, or an anonymous e-mail address, and fire away. You can tell them they suck, they blow, they’re assholes, they’re motherfuckers. You can threaten to kill their pets, rape their plants, punch their uncles, slit their throats and feed the extracted larynx to Candy Sierra—and it’s almost impossible for the recipients (like, say, me) to do anything.

We just have to take it.

Because … the Internet.

Which leads to a Twitter DM I received earlier this week.

Because the correspondence arrived in my junk box, I hadn’t initially caught it. But then one dull afternoon, while sipping my fifth Panera coffee refill, I noticed there were a few messages I had somehow overlooked. Including this one, from @StephTuittRules …

Now, the wording and sentiment were a bit confusing. First, because it lacked any context or follow-up. Was @StephTuittRules mad at me because of something related to Trump? Something related to Tupac? Is he a Brett Favre fan who overpaid for “Gunslinger”? A Barry Bonds fan who objects to my occasional TikTok rants? I tried responding with the ol’, “Mom? Is that you again?”—but not only had @StephTuittRules told me to fuck myself, he told me to fuck myself, then immediately blocked me.

Grr.

Before I continue with this odd-yet-(I promise)-satisfying pursuit, there’s something I need to address. It’s been hanging over me for more than a decade, only I’d never found the right time or place to explore and dig deep.

Now, at last, is the moment.

Back in the lord’s year of 2011, when I was not yet 40 and still penning regular columns for Sports Illustrated’s website, I wrote at length about why I believed former Astros first baseman Jeff Bagwell was a steroid cheat who didn’t belong in the Hall of Fame. It was, looking back, not my best work. Like, it was sorta OK. But lacking depth and substance. Sometimes we write things because it’s our turn to write. This was a prime example of that.

Anyhow, the blowback was harsh—including someone named Andy (just “Andy”) Tweeting, “jeff Pearlman and billy madison share an intelligence quotient (because jeff Pearlman is a fucking retard)." It seems almost quaint and innocent here in Trumpian 2024, but at the time … well, I was legitimately offended. When I tried reaching out to Andy, he ignored me. Or insulted me. Or … both. I can’t recall. But that exchange, along with a couple of others, led me to ultimately pitch a piece to CNN.com about trying to understand the vitriol behind anonymous Internet flame throwers.

What I wound up doing, with the website’s blessing, was tracking down a bunch of Internet assholes—like Andy. I don’t 100 percent recall the methodology, but after creating several pretend Twitter accounts and fake e-mails, I was able to locate Andy, age 23, at his mother’s house.

Where he lived.

With (cough) her.

The resulting column, TRACKING DOWN MY ONLINE HATERS, ran Jan. 21, 2011, and I felt … accomplished! I found Andy! I exposed Andy! Andy lived with Mommy! And even though I didn’t use his full name, Andy knew that he had been exposed and embarrassed.

It!

Was!

The!

Best!

Only, eh, it sorta blew up in my face. Instead of being hailed as the journalist who fought back, I was ridiculed across the Interweb as the writer who took time out of his seemingly busy life to call someone’s mother. The blowback was bad—and, still in 2024, I hear about it.

Also, a few days after pub date an irritated Andy identified himself as Andrew Tworischuk and wrote his own piece for a different website (the link no longer works), taking issue with the tone and content and honesty of the column. Again, it’s been many moons.

But he was probably somewhat right.

The point is, that whole experience made me gun-shy when it comes to exposing Internet assholes. And in the 13 years since 2011, I don’t think I’ve ever returned to the sport of tracking down my online haters.

And yet …

Something about @StephTuittRules irritated me. The audacity, I suppose. Like, who are you to say such a thing to me? To someone you’ve never met? To someone you don’t know? You certainly wouldn’t call me an “uneducated fucking zero” to my face. And I’m not suggesting I’m tough. I’m not. I’m suggesting that the base-level laws of human decency prevent strangers from approaching other strangers and referring to them as uneducated fucking zeroes.

It’s just not done.

Wellllll … fuck it. I was tired and a bit Tupac worn down and in need of some mental recreation. So I did the very thing folks like @StephTuittRules shouldn’t do—I started a fake Twitter account. I noticed that @StephTuittRules was a fan of the Pittsburgh Penguins, as well as a University of Maryland alum, hence I made myself (cough, cough) a fan of the Pittsburgh Penguins and a University of Maryland alum. .

His DMs were closed, so I responded to one of his Tweets by noting that I, too, am a huge Pens fan.

Go Pens! Woo! Hit that puck!

Within seconds, he was following me …

I set out the bait.

Now, as Michael J. Lewis (not to be confused with “Moneyball” Michael Lewis) will tell you, I know nothing about the NHL. I think I can name five players. Six if Tony McKegney is still active. So I did a quick Google search of the 1992 Pittsburgh Penguins (the year was a random stab) and came up with Bob Errey. I do not know if Bob Errey was a good player or a bad player. I do not know if Bob Errey played forward or defense. Or defence. Once this entry is complete, I will never think of Bob Errey again.

I name dropped Bob Errey.

Street cred established!

Next, I added some bait to the hook. Big juicy nightcrawling motherfuckers …

Now, I want to say something. It’s important. As a general rule, I do not believe in lying. I’d rather struggle through the truth than glide through dishonesty. But, in this particular expedition, I made an exception. I did not attend Maryland for grad school. My brother (I do have a brother—Western New England College ‘93) did not go to Smith. I do not handle regional production for Rally House (indeed, this is an apparel company. I literally Googled “apparel company” and “Penguins shirts”) and I do not work with my bro (but if you’d like to book a cruise, he’s a wonderful guy. Tell him I sent you).

Everything—absolutely everything—was me trying to get @StephTuittRules to out himself.

Which led to this …

I think my favorite line from this entire exchange is “that’s our No. 3 biggest seller.” I’m not even sure how that entered my head, but were I starting a fantasy football team right now, I’d name it “that’s our No. 3 biggest seller.” And we’d win the league title.

Now, I admit, the next page gets a tiny bit sketchy. To convince @StephTuittRules I was a real person at a real company, I Googled the name of an actual higher-up at Rally House. To be 100 percent clear, I was ultimately going to make certain @StephTuittRules knew it wasn’t actually that guy. This was a brief case of espionage …

And then … it happened.

It actually happened.

He revealed himself.

His name is Tony. He’s an educated guy with a family and a good job. I went through his LinkedIn page and was impressed. I’m the son of a man who ran an executive search firm, and Tony is someone whose work history would have really impressed Dad.

We DMed for a bit. Tony told me a few of the writers he liked, but then he got dirty. The dude is a big sports fan and an avid reader. When he loves a scribe (like, for example, Dejan Kovacevic—his favorite), he loves him. But when he hates a scribe, he goes after him. Hard.

In (cough) anonymous Twitter DMs.

For example …

And …

Finally, I started getting bored and antsy. I had chapters to write and more chapters to write. I flashed back to his initial words to me—”how bout you go fuck yourself, you uneducated fucking zero”—and wanted to know how a seemingly sane human turned so enraged that he’d write such a thing to a total stranger.

I pondered my next step before settling upon this …

There was a pause.

A long pause.

A long, blissful pause.

The longest, most blissful pause ever.

Then …

And the thing is—I would never “dox” him. Never. I own dick moments, just as we all own dick moments. But I have no interest in ruining someone’s life. Sincerely, I wanted to understand what made Tony reach out to me with such venomous intent. I would just as soon have him lose his job as I’d have him lose his dog.²

I took a moment to write my reply. I typed it, and pressed send.

Alas, the text came back red.

Tony, the anonymous keyboard warrior better known as @StephTuittRules, had deleted his account.

Like an uneducated fucking zero.

Ask Jeff Pearlman a fucking question(s)

From Polar: You’re always wearing different baseball hats in your TikTok videos. What are your favorite hats and your least-favorite hats?: Fun question! So when I was a kid, growing up in New York, I longed for all things California. And even though I now live here, that magic hasn’t left my head. Hence, my favorite hats are probably the 1980s Padres, the classic black-and-orange San Francisco Giants and the classic blue-and-white Dodgers. I love all three. As for least-favorite—I think everything about the modern Angels’ uniform is dull and unimaginative. Hat included. Yawn.

Oh, and the Guardians’ hat. I never understand teams squandering golden marketing opportunities with boring blahness.

The Quaz Five with … Jeff Call

Jeff Call is the sports media lab manager at Brigham Young University, and a former reporter with the Deseret News. One can follow Jeff on Twitter here.

1. Jeff, you're the sports media lab manager at Brigham Young University. What, exactly, does that job entail?: This is a new position that opened up last summer. BYU has recently launched its sports media program, in conjunction with the longstanding journalism program. My job is to be a mentor to young sports journalists that write for the campus publication, The Daily Universe, which is published online. I help edit the students’ stories and provide feedback. I also help out the professors in a few journalism and sports media classes, which includes sharing principles of journalism and teaching students how to craft compelling stories. Sometimes I accompany students to games, sitting in the press box or on press row, and I introduce them to other journalists that I know so they can network in order to land internships and jobs. It’s invigorating being surrounded by students and I really enjoy being here.

2. I spoke to your BYU class this week via zoom, and before it began a student led everyone in prayer. And I was fascinated: Is that required? Like, does it happen every class? And if there there's, say, a Jewish or agnostic student, can they just not engage?: First off, I appreciate your willingness to address our students. What you shared with them was impactful and memorable. I can’t speak for everywhere on campus, but I know professors at BYU are strongly encouraged to open classes with a prayer. BYU, which is owned and operated by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, is a faith-based institution. Students are taught to gain knowledge “by study and by faith.” The vast majority of students that attend BYU are Latter-day Saints and even most of those who aren’t have their own faith. We have students here that are Catholic, Baptist, Jewish, Muslim, etc. BYU’s starting quarterback for the final four games of last season, Jake Retzlaff, is Jewish. BYU respects all faiths and beliefs. If students don’t want to engage in prayer, they don’t have to— hat’s their choice. But most students appreciate having the opportunity to include prayer in their education.

3. Do students still wanna be journalists? And, if so, are they aware how hard it is?: Many in our program don’t want to be journalists. They want to be sports information directors or managers of creative content for sports teams. Those are all options out there for them. Of those that want to be traditional journalists, we’re very candid with them about the landscape out there. They’re not deterred by that. They realize that there’s a place for great writing and great reporting and we’re trying to give them the resources and help them gain the experience they need to compete and to flourish in a challenging business. No matter what they want to do, we want them to understand the principles of journalism and help them become stronger writers.

4. You spent 26 years with the Deseret News. Why did you leave?: To answer that question fully, I’d probably have to write a book. But the short answer is, it wasn’t an easy decision. Being a sports writer was a huge part of my identity. I’m proud of the work I was able to do and I’m grateful for the experiences I had and the relationships I made during those 26 years. As we all know, this business has changed drastically and I was fortunate to survive two major layoffs—it’s an unsettling situation. This job opportunity at BYU presented itself and it seemed to fit me perfectly. Thirty years before taking the job, I was the sports editor of the Daily Universe. Much of my career can be attributed to the opportunities I had at BYU—so it’s been a full-circle moment to return. I do miss writing so I fill the void by doing some freelance work, journaling and writing letters. Maybe at some point, I’ll write more books.

5. Are we being responsible encouraging people to enter a dying field? I often wonder whether I should be telling these kids to go to law school?: That’s something I’ve thought a lot about the past few months since taking this job. Journalism is such a different world than it was 30 years ago, back when newspapers were thriving. It was tough then getting a job. Now, we don’t know how long the jobs that exist now will last. I have six sons (between the ages of 20 and 28) and they all love sports. But I couldn’t get any of them to embrace sports journalism. I enjoyed taking them with me to practices and games occasionally when I was a sports writer. As far as their career goals, they are all interested in business. My second-oldest son, Brayden, is actually graduating from BYU law school this spring. My goal is to help this lab be a launching pad for students to fulfill their dreams. It’s gratifying to see students improve and succeed. I see a lot of myself in them.

Bonus: rank in order—favorite to least: Adam Morrison, Chanukah, hot sauce, Amy Adams, Morton's Steakhouse, Wright Thompson, blood blisters, the smell of newsprint, the Mary Jane Girls, Al Toon: 1. The smell of newsprint (I delivered newspapers as a kid and I wrote for newspapers for 30 years. It’s the smell of my livelihood and the smell of storytelling at its finest.) 2. Wright Thompson (Love his work, particularly the story about him catching up with Dale Murphy in Utah a few years ago.) 3. Chanukah (Though I don’t observe it, I deeply respect this holiday. One day I hope to light the menorah and spin a dreidel.) 4. Al Toon (One of my all-time favorite Jets. Too bad Zach Wilson didn’t have him to throw to the past couple of seasons.) 5. Amy Adams (One of my favorite actresses; loved her in “Trouble with the Curve.”) 6. Hot sauce (I prefer mild.) 7. Adam Morrison (One of the all-time great Zags. Our paths crossed a number of times when BYU played Gonzaga in the West Coast Conference.) 8. Morton’s Steakhouse (I’ve actually never eaten there but I have eaten at Sizzlers, for what it’s worth.) 9. The Mary Jane Girls (I prefer The Bangles). 10. Blood blisters (About 10 years ago, I got a massive blood blister on the back of my heel while climbing 11,752-foot Mount Timpanogos here in Utah. Every step was a new adventure in pain.)

A random old article worth revisiting …

On Dec. 7, 1977, the severed penis of a Clemson University student was reattached after it had been cut off by an angry man with a butcher knife.

The Madness of Tyler Kepner’s Grid …

So unless you’ve been living beneath a pebble beneath a rock beneath a big hunk of cheese, you’re aware of Immaculate Grid, the daily game that’s drawn thousands of nerdy sports fans (guilty!) to its ranks. And while the NBA grid, NFL grid, NHL grid and WNBA grid are all fun, this game is at its best when it comes to baseball—where the names are endless and the transactions ceaseless.

Over the past few weeks I’ve often discussed the grid with Tyler Kepner, the Athletic baseball writer. And now, for kicks, every week I’m gonna feature one of Tyler’s bonkers grid results. He’s the ultimate baseball geek (I say this with great affection), and his outputs blow my mind.

So …

Tyler thoughts:

• Craig Shipley was a utility infielder I covered with the Angels. Really bright guy, no surprise he’s gone on to a long front office/scouting career.

• Larry Yount is Robin’s brother. Credited with one MLB appearance but hurt himself after being called in from the bullpen and never technically threw a pitch.

• Kirk Saarloos was one of the six Astros to combine for a no-hitter at Yankee Stadium during a very eventful month of June 2003 for the Yankees, when I was covering them.

• Bob Owchinko is just a really fun name.

• Mark Kiger never played in a regular-season game. Oakland had an injury and needed a backup infielder during the 2006 postseason, and called him up. He got in for defense a couple of times.

• Mike Warren threw one of the first no-hitters I remember as a fan, in 1983. I remember thinking it was so strange that someone I’d never heard of did it, but my favorite player, the great Steve Carlton, never had.

• Wes Gardner played for the Red Sox in the late 80s. I thought my little brother looked like him.

• La Schelle Tarver (like Gardner) came to Boston in a trade with the Mets. He played only in 1986; he died recently and I was looking at his stats.

• Earl Wilson I know because the Red Sox decorate their spring training press box with photos and news clippings from all of their franchise no-hitters.

This week’s college writer you should follow on Twitter …

Walker Kinsler, University of Tennssee

A junior and opinion writer for the Daily Beacon, Kinsler was rightly pissed off when the Republican supermajority of the Tennessee State Senate approved a bill allowing teachers to carry handguns on school property. But instead of just brooding about it, he stepped up with a terrific column, headlined, TEACHERS SHOULD NOT HAVE TO CARRY GUNS FOR SCHOOLS TO BE SAFE.

Wrote Kinsler:

One can follow Walker on Twitter here.

Bravo, kid.

Journalism musings for the week …

Musing 1: So this week’s Substack topic was going to concern Gregg Doyel and the whole Caitlin Clark press conference fiasco. But as the hours came and went, and as one reporter after another offered a position, I lost some steam. Here, however, is what I will say:

A. It was some creepy shit. And while I do not agree with Christine Brennan that Gregg sexually harassed Clark, his line of questioning was weird, offputting, demeaning, sad, insulting.

B. It felt like 1994 was colliding with 2024. And what I mean is, back in the day men like Gregg Doyel were power players in local media. They were the star columnists at the big newspaper in town, and when they entered a room folks took notice. Think Mike Lupica in New York, think Woody Paige in Denver, think Bob Ryan in Boston. But that era has passed. Odds are Caitlin Clark has never heard of the Indianapolis Star, and odds are she’ll rarely (if ever) read it. Doyel’s behavior harkened back to the day when white men with power pens controlled the world. That age is long gone. Thankfully.

C. Gregg wrote an apology column. I suppose he deserves some credit for trying. But, man, it went over like a soggy fart. Seriously—just admit you fucked up and need to learn. That’s it. That’s all.

Musing 2: I’m not a hockey fan, but as I age I’m an increasingly big fan of athletes who (cough) are still active despite being my senior. And in 2024, that means one remaining person—the great Jaromir Jagr, who scored in his comeback appearance earlier this week. I love it.

Musing 3: Self-promotion—I’m on TikTok, telling daily journalism stories. I didn’t see this coming, but I absolutely love it. Who knew?

Musing 4: The writer Charlotte Clymer runs a fascinating substack named CHARLOTTE’S WEB THOUGHTS, and this week she penned a terrific piece on the raw stupidity of blocking traffic as a form of protest. Wrote Clymer: “These protestors have apparently failed to grasp the simple concept that when the vast majority of Americans, particularly parents, watch their highways and roadways blocked, the first thing that comes to mind is: What if my child were harmed and needed to get to the hospital? There’s nothing wrong with protest being uncomfortable and inconvenient; in fact, I think discomfort and inconvenience for those in power are often essential for effective protest. But it is completely wrong to knowingly put innocent people in harm’s way. That’s not legitimate protest. That’s just being a cruel, performative asshole.”

Musing 5: Maybe it’s just me, but Tony Cosolo, a beat writer for the Colorado football team, predicting the Buffs go 9-3 next season feels a bit, eh, crazy. Fool me once, Coach Prime, shame on you. Fool me twice …

Musing 6: The Washington Post’s Yvonne Wingett Sanchez with the shocking (in no way whatsoever) story of Austin Smith, an outspoken election fraudster and Trump worshiper, resigning from Turning Point Action after being accused of (wait for it) forging voter signatures. Wrote Wingett Sanchez: “Smith is aligned with some of the most conservative members of the Arizona House — sometimes referred to as the ‘Freedom Caucus’ of the larger Republican caucus — and he has previously derided signature-verification work by local election officials as ‘a joke.’ During his time with Turning Point Action, Smith worked to support the candidacies of conservatives who spread false information about elections. At a rally in Washington on Jan. 5, 2021, Smith tweeted a photo of himself speaking to ‘thousands of patriots.’ In that since-deleted tweet, he urged followers ‘Don’t get comfortable’ and to ‘fight like hell.’ The next day, as Congress met to certify the 2020 election results, the U.S. Capitol came under attack.”

Musing 7: I started my career in Tennessee. I love Tennessee. But the state has gone gun crazy, and the latest bonkers moment is detailed in a piece from Daniel Smithson of WSMV headlined NASHVILLE TEACHER THREATENS TO ‘SHOOT UP’ SCHOOL, POLICE SAY. Wrote Smithson: “At about 11 a.m., Metro officers on MNPD’s Rapid School Safety Team were dispatched to The Academy of McCrory Lane on Newsom Station Road to a report that a teacher had made a threat toward a colleague and students. When officers arrived, they were met with an employee in the parking lot, who said the school had been placed on lockdown after the alleged threat. Sheneca Cowart was taken into custody. Staff told police Cowart, 29, threatened to ‘shoot up’ the preschool and that she keeps a gun ‘on her.’ One teacher stated she overheard Cowart saying things such as, ‘when I start shooting, you better run,’ police said.” Oy.

Musing 8: I can’t blame Makayla Perkins, director of social media for Phoenix Sports, for slamming the outgoing Coyotes for this preposterously tone-deaf Tweet. Sure, only a handful of people still care about the team. But those people are passionate, and deserve some empathy. Not ridicule from the team itself.

Musing 9: Stephen A. Smith should be ashamed of himself. Seriously. I know he thinks himself as an expert of all things. But he’s not.

Musing 10: This week’s Two Writers Slinging Yang stars Amy Gutierrez, Giants broadcaster and children’s book author.

Quote of the Week …

1. Admittedly, this last step has always struck me as unnecessary.

2. And I hate the idea of lost dogs, roaming the streets, looking for home.